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hi livejournal...
Ok. So, I have been meaning to get on livejournal for months now, and have finally reached a point of business where the procrastinative creation of an actual post was inevitable. I guess I will start out by saying that I am creating this journal as a way to get myself to talk, really. I feel like I should be keeping a journal, but all past attempts in paper versions have been short-lived, so hey, I'm trying this! I need to play around with settings, and what-not, but not right now so much.
Anyway.
I have had very little sleep, and am feeling contemplative and long-winded. I have a feeling I am going to sound rather formal (if you know me, chances are, you are not surprised). You don’t like it, bite me. Or just don’t read it :).
I am currently on a plane, flying from San Francisco back to Philadelphia, getting ready for school to start up again after fall break. For some reason, my mind feels very awake right now, so naturally instead of wasting it on school work I am composing a first post for livejournal. I have spent the past week visiting graduate programs in California. They were all pretty nice, but I have to say that right now I am just really really in love with Canada. UBC has stolen my heart. I found it much in the way that I found my undergraduate school – through the off-hand suggestion of a friend. In this case, it was actually one of my major advisors, but I would like to consider him a friend, too :). I don’t know why such situations appeal to me. I guess I enjoy serendipity! Am currently developing an ulcer, however, over the worry that they might not want me. I think I am pretty competitive, and I would give them my first-born. Also, a damn-good dissertation.
I am trying to become comfortable with the validity of choosing schools partially based on location. After all, I am going to be living there for five years or more, and I am very sensitive to my environment. Vancouver is amazing. It’s phenomenally beautiful, and eco-conscious, and metropolitan, and international, and friendly, and relaxed. Granted, I was only there for a day, but that’s the vibe I got, and the one I continue to get as I find more about it online and through other people. I just, I really like it. Of course, I am not going to choose a place based solely on location. Thankfully, UBC has an excellent department and is internationally recognized as pretty hot shit. Not quite like MIT or UCLA, but hey, you know what? I don’t really need them. Am applying anyway, but I don’t know that I would be happy at either place. LA. *shudder* And the competition at MIT? I don’t know. I am competitive, and I like a challenge, but something about it just feels so petty. So. UBC? If you are listening, I love you and want to spend at least the next five years of my life with you. I’m (a) cool (nerd). And smart. And fun. So accept me, and give me money so I don’t die. Please? Thank you.
To Do:
Write thank you notes: H.R., L.M., A.A., E.B., D.B., C.W., B.H., woman from Davis – card in bag, E.S., G.H., Y. K., Tal-tal’s parents… anyone else?
Write to D.P. and other cool phon. people to talk about how it is for them at their respective universities
Finish sci-soc post about how I am a tool but sometimes have good ideas when I admit I sometimes can’t handle things all by myself and it’s ok to take anti-depressants. Sorry if that sounds melodramatic, but it’s true. I don’t like admitting that I need help, and I really screwed myself over recently because I was being a stubborn ass. I think this runs in my family.
Quick side note: Bjork. You are so weird. But I love you. Sometimes.
Read about metrical grids versus metrical trees.
Send E. default low analysis with freak-out addendum reading something like “why doesn’t this work, and I feel stupid”. Also, addendum asking how the land of cheese and big lakes is treating him and his family.
Get over self. The harder you try to make everything perfect, the worse things are probably going to get. Things don't have to be perfect, and I don't have to be perfect to be valid. I heard the best quote this weekend from T’s dad: “Perfection is the enemy of the possible.” - w.m. I love it. May at least temporarily adopt it as motto. I think I must be worried. My other motto so far this year has been “Do what you can, where you are, with what you have.” –troosevelt. Am obviously trying to calm myself down. Note to self: do not turn into Nonna. Self-calm is good, as long as it doesn’t become an excuse to always freak out.
Write thesis first draft. Right. No biggie. Excuse me. I think I need to go be sick. *calms self*
Ok. Point? Working on adopting new attitude. Relax. Everything works out in the end. You are smart. You can handle it. In fact, it will be great. You just need to stop worrying about it enough to actually DO it. Cool. You are doing something totally exciting, and fun. You like it, so enjoy it while you are doing it. Simple. The first draft is just that: a suggestion, a stepping-stone to further drafts.
Also, and on a completely separate note, I am thinking about sex all the freaking time right now. Somehow, people do not expect this. Dammit, I am a highly sexual person. Apparently I don’t give off that vibe. I should make an attachable sign. It can be neon and flashing. Classy.
Ok. I will leave you, friends, on that lovely note. If you want a picture of where I am right now, just imagine me sitting at a computer alternately biting things, like my fingers or spare writing utensils or anything that is handy, tapping feet/twitching, smiling/laughing somewhat neurotically, groaning in frustration. If I look blank and distracted, then I am probably thinking about sex. Glad I could paint that for you.
Now go do something useful. :D
Anyway.
I have had very little sleep, and am feeling contemplative and long-winded. I have a feeling I am going to sound rather formal (if you know me, chances are, you are not surprised). You don’t like it, bite me. Or just don’t read it :).
I am currently on a plane, flying from San Francisco back to Philadelphia, getting ready for school to start up again after fall break. For some reason, my mind feels very awake right now, so naturally instead of wasting it on school work I am composing a first post for livejournal. I have spent the past week visiting graduate programs in California. They were all pretty nice, but I have to say that right now I am just really really in love with Canada. UBC has stolen my heart. I found it much in the way that I found my undergraduate school – through the off-hand suggestion of a friend. In this case, it was actually one of my major advisors, but I would like to consider him a friend, too :). I don’t know why such situations appeal to me. I guess I enjoy serendipity! Am currently developing an ulcer, however, over the worry that they might not want me. I think I am pretty competitive, and I would give them my first-born. Also, a damn-good dissertation.
I am trying to become comfortable with the validity of choosing schools partially based on location. After all, I am going to be living there for five years or more, and I am very sensitive to my environment. Vancouver is amazing. It’s phenomenally beautiful, and eco-conscious, and metropolitan, and international, and friendly, and relaxed. Granted, I was only there for a day, but that’s the vibe I got, and the one I continue to get as I find more about it online and through other people. I just, I really like it. Of course, I am not going to choose a place based solely on location. Thankfully, UBC has an excellent department and is internationally recognized as pretty hot shit. Not quite like MIT or UCLA, but hey, you know what? I don’t really need them. Am applying anyway, but I don’t know that I would be happy at either place. LA. *shudder* And the competition at MIT? I don’t know. I am competitive, and I like a challenge, but something about it just feels so petty. So. UBC? If you are listening, I love you and want to spend at least the next five years of my life with you. I’m (a) cool (nerd). And smart. And fun. So accept me, and give me money so I don’t die. Please? Thank you.
To Do:
Write thank you notes: H.R., L.M., A.A., E.B., D.B., C.W., B.H., woman from Davis – card in bag, E.S., G.H., Y. K., Tal-tal’s parents… anyone else?
Write to D.P. and other cool phon. people to talk about how it is for them at their respective universities
Finish sci-soc post about how I am a tool but sometimes have good ideas when I admit I sometimes can’t handle things all by myself and it’s ok to take anti-depressants. Sorry if that sounds melodramatic, but it’s true. I don’t like admitting that I need help, and I really screwed myself over recently because I was being a stubborn ass. I think this runs in my family.
Quick side note: Bjork. You are so weird. But I love you. Sometimes.
Read about metrical grids versus metrical trees.
Send E. default low analysis with freak-out addendum reading something like “why doesn’t this work, and I feel stupid”. Also, addendum asking how the land of cheese and big lakes is treating him and his family.
Get over self. The harder you try to make everything perfect, the worse things are probably going to get. Things don't have to be perfect, and I don't have to be perfect to be valid. I heard the best quote this weekend from T’s dad: “Perfection is the enemy of the possible.” - w.m. I love it. May at least temporarily adopt it as motto. I think I must be worried. My other motto so far this year has been “Do what you can, where you are, with what you have.” –troosevelt. Am obviously trying to calm myself down. Note to self: do not turn into Nonna. Self-calm is good, as long as it doesn’t become an excuse to always freak out.
Write thesis first draft. Right. No biggie. Excuse me. I think I need to go be sick. *calms self*
Ok. Point? Working on adopting new attitude. Relax. Everything works out in the end. You are smart. You can handle it. In fact, it will be great. You just need to stop worrying about it enough to actually DO it. Cool. You are doing something totally exciting, and fun. You like it, so enjoy it while you are doing it. Simple. The first draft is just that: a suggestion, a stepping-stone to further drafts.
Also, and on a completely separate note, I am thinking about sex all the freaking time right now. Somehow, people do not expect this. Dammit, I am a highly sexual person. Apparently I don’t give off that vibe. I should make an attachable sign. It can be neon and flashing. Classy.
Ok. I will leave you, friends, on that lovely note. If you want a picture of where I am right now, just imagine me sitting at a computer alternately biting things, like my fingers or spare writing utensils or anything that is handy, tapping feet/twitching, smiling/laughing somewhat neurotically, groaning in frustration. If I look blank and distracted, then I am probably thinking about sex. Glad I could paint that for you.
Now go do something useful. :D
you're on lj! and also, yaaay, I was totally right about UBC...ha! why do I always trust my intuition when it works for *other* people??
I think of you when I listen to Bachelorette. Which is an oddly appropropriate reference, given the last few paragraphs of your post....
* americorps - my mom imparted a piece of wisdom on me at the end of this summer, which I will now share with you. It is a saying. It goes "Don't should on yourself." While 'should' can be reasonable/beneficial (I probably *should* fill out those tax forms...), it can also be toxic (This *should* be perfect, I *should* be going straight into grad school, I *should* be totally selfless and live in an area I dislike and live off foodstamps even though I think it will make me unhappy). I think that it is important to be happy with where you are and what you are doing. If you are taking care of yourself, then you are more ready and able to help take care of others. The better you feel, the more you will be able to give back to the community, and I know that you will find a way to become engaged, even if it's not through Americorps. There are many ways to give back to the community, of which this is one option. If it's what makes you happy, then do it. If not, there are other ways you can go acheive community service. Also, I have decided that guilt is a bad motivator/way to make decisions. You are right, sometimes I do get the feeling that we are very similar :). In this instance, perhaps partially due to Catholic upbringing?
* Also, UBC. God! bah. love. Not trusting one's intuition? That is the human condition, my friend. Sometimes we are stupid.
* hehe. yeah. come back so we can go flirt with people. please? we could drive to canada and flirt with people there, too! r o a d t r i p :) Can we find you a hot canadian dyke?
*I love that should on yourself business, it was one of the main tenets of some anxiety-management program I did years ago. I hate guilt, but it's hard to elude most of the time...
*YES canadykes, all around. I want a rugger, we can find you a nice neurobiologist or something...;)